How hard it is to say I don’t know, I don’t know. How quick our answers are to any question, and how embarrassed we are when we don’t have the answer. Because it’s clear to us that giving an answer is actually saying – I’m smart, I know, I’m valuable, I’m significant, I contribute, help me, I’m needed by the system, look at me…. and not answering or knowing the answer means… all our fears.
And who among us wants to think that about themselves? Not to feel that feeling of security! In need of me.
In the first stage of our careers, most of us seek to be perceived as knowledgeable. Those who know how to answer every question, who have an answer at the drop of a hat, are very clear and absolute. The concerns of the first stage, the need to impress and be perceived as good, greatly interfere with the possibility of saying I don’t know, and create stress. In the second stage, we expect ourselves to know everything because we supposedly already have experience, and now we have advanced and are expected of us. However, when moving into management and leadership roles, it is worth moving from this position. It is ostensibly the other way around. The higher you go in rank, the more you are supposed to know, and the more you know, the more you want to show that you know more, but here are some reasons why it is worth changing your approach.
The first is to provide immediate answers to those who contact you for advice or help. This is seen as good and important, but it is a short-term solution. As such, it provides benefits such as shortening the time spent dealing with the issue, shortening processes, and making rapid progress.
Sometimes it’s the simple and right thing to do. If you’re asked where the coffee is or what time it is, you should simply answer because it’s a question that has a relatively clear and simple answer. But if you’re asked a question that’s a bit more complex, that could have multiple options, or the knowledge about the answer is not completely uniform or clear, or it’s very personal and concerns the employee, the person, it’s worth pausing for a moment before giving the answer.
Why? Because every time you provide clear answers to unclear questions, you dilute people’s abilities, their confidence, their belief in themselves, their curiosity to explore and test the possibility of discovering new things.
Good leaders, top managers know how to ask good questions! And know how to say I don’t know.
What else does it allow? Increase humanity! Man is a curious creature, an explorer, a seeker, certainly in workplaces where they seek the creativity that does not exist without curiosity. Curiosity is the way to bring the best that people have, and allow them to flourish and grow. Introducing curiosity into the workplace, into the organization, into any place, requires a culture that encourages curiosity, that allows space for inquiry, wonder, and time to examine things. No less important than this is allowing the employee to engage in tasks that suit him or her, so that they have enough interest in them to search, delve deeper, learn, examine, and ask how else is possible, how else is possible better, out of genuine interest.
What's the problem with giving solutions?
So what’s the problem with giving solutions, advice? After all, it’s a shortcut, it enables, it helps, doesn’t the one who asks want help? So that’s what…
The natural tendency is to want to help! When someone asks us for help, we immediately feel valued and obligated to give of ourselves. Only if we stop for a second can we remember the number of times we were given advice that wasn’t the most accurate, or annoying, or we thought they didn’t understand what we really wanted, or times we told ourselves how lucky they weren’t listening to our advice because…
Three things (at least) that can get in the way of the perfect advice
- You may be solving the wrong problem. Often people who ask for advice or help with a problem only present the edge of the matter, whether that’s how they choose to present it, what they are aware of, or what they feel comfortable saying in this context. As the saying goes, this may be just the beginning of the story, the symptom, not the problem. And so we end up spending a lot of time solving the wrong problem, not the really important problem. So wait, don’t rush.
- Even if we have mapped the right problem, and it is clear to the questioner what the problem is, and it is clear to you what the problem is that needs to be solved, your advice will never be good enough because… we think we know better, but – we also act within our own conditioning, less aware of the prejudices and fears that govern us, influenced by the last thing we did or heard, by what worked for us in the past but is not sure that it is the right thing for now. Therefore, it is worth thinking a little modestly about the value of our advice.
- What is the impact on the asking party? When we give advice, what is actually being said underneath is – I am better than you. I know you. No. It’s that simple. The right move as a manager and leader is to allow people to reach an understanding, the right idea, the solution in their own way. After all, that is why they are part of your team, they have abilities. And no less important, such conduct increases the feeling of competence, self-confidence, belief, and satisfaction from the work. A feeling of significance, of being seen and appreciated keeps people in the organization for the right reasons.
So if we pause for a moment, don’t answer immediately, open up curiosity about what is truly troubling and challenging, ask questions, we may be able to help the questioner find the answer. Without us.
The long-term price
What does it take for you to be the advisor and problem solver, and what is the long-term cost?
- This role of the solver, the all-powerful one, is the one without which the system will not work….exhausting, stressful, and wears you down. Not at first, true, but later on it is a burden on every level.
- If the only way you’re going to feel valued is to always know everything, people will come to you for advice, you’re in control, great but… the price is that there’s no room for other people to grow next to you.
- Your advice may not always be correct, but the need to know does not allow you to see the mistakes, nor does it allow you to be in a new space, not knowing, exploring and asking, and because of that, you may very well miss the unexpected future.
Effects on the organization
- An organizational culture that allows for a situation of those who know and decide, takes those who are less prominent or who bring themselves out of the game in this way. Not due to a lack of ability, but due to the difficulty of expressing themselves and finding a place for themselves in this style.
- People’s connection to a topic, an interest, or an organization is impaired and decreases when they feel unappreciated, unimportant, and uninfluenced. Such feelings provoke frustration, anger, and thoughts of leaving.
- When someone plays the role of the “savior”, everyone knows, in fact at that moment he creates victims! And this mechanism is not beneficial to anyone. Help is the sunny side of control….
Giving advice is human, most of us stop after two or three sentences and immediately know what is right and what can be done. It is always easier and clearer for others. You may have the right answer, but we should not rush to give an answer. Agree to be for a moment unclear, uncomfortable, in the zone of not knowing. This pause allows us to think! It is precisely the possibility of moving from the place of knowing, and believing in another who will find the answer and who will arrive at the right thought, no less than you, that is the path of enabling and promoting leadership, this is the empowerment that is greatly needed. The way to build people is to believe in them as capable and creative, not in solving their problems.
More asking questions and less giving answers from managers creates a subtext atmosphere of trust in people, a feeling of being next to you, with you, not in front of you.
The option that we don’t have all the answers, and that’s a good thing, is an excellent option for leadership that promotes and enables. Asking questions, being curious, being open to scrutiny, is a much more constructive way that promotes both results and relationships.
