So many times we think, "I really should know this. But I'm afraid that if I ask, people will think I don't know enough." So we don't ask.
Then someone else asks exactly the question we had in mind. People respond well to it, and we sit there thinking, "Why didn't I ask that?"
When we stay quiet because we have nothing to add, we usually don't leave the conversation thinking about it afterwards. The frustration comes when we did have something to say, a question, an opinion, a concern, but something stopped us from expressing it.
Questions start running through our mind. Will I sound like I don't know enough? Is this a stupid question? Should I already know the answer? How will this make me look?
We try to predict the other person's reaction while monitoring ourselves at the same time. As the anxiety rises, the clarity we had a moment ago becomes harder to access, and the words that seemed clear a moment ago are suddenly harder to find.
Now we're caught in our own head, struggling with one question: "What will they think of me if I say this?"
Our attention has shifted from the conversation to ourselves. At some point, we're barely participating in the conversation happening around us because we're so busy with the one happening in our head.
Creating a little more space in our thinking can help us shift some of that attention back.
Instead of letting "What will they think of me?" take over, we can try to return to what was there before the anxiety took over.
What was I actually trying to say? What matters to me here?
And only then, how do I want to say it?
The worry about what others will think may still be there. It's not easy to make it disappear.
But it doesn't have to be the only thought in our mind, and certainly not the one that takes over.
Because it's not only about finding the most accurate way to say something. It's about allowing our voice, our thinking, and what we have to contribute to actually be heard.
And that means, at some point, trying to say it.
